she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
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we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
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Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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