Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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