My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
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You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
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I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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