I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
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Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
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Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
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