If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
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it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
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My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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