I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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