I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
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so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
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Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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