Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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