Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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