Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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