I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
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We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
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I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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