She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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