the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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