Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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