I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize