youre lurking in front of me
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
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They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
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And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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