I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
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So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
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I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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