No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
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Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
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The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
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