god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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