I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
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I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
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Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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