I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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