I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
from now on my penis is your penis
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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