i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i think i have two assholes
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His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
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The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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