My first STD was from a foam party
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
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Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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