My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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