Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
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My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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