i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
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She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
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I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
there is glitter all over my balls
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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