I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
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he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
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He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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