I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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