a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may now shotgun with the bride
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize