dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
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Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
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All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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