don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
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I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
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He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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