i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
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I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
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you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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