You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize