I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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