I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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