it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
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He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
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He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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