He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
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sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I need a burrito and a hug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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