Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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