My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
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we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
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Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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