your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
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You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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