Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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