I'm so fucking centered right now
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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