I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
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