Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
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i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
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It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize