Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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