my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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