I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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