I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
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I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
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I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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