Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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